[It's like that. In a way, he's gotten a little cocky about this; it's not anywhere near as bad as it used to be, and he hasn't faced it as a never-ending horror in a long while. Not since January. However harsh the memory is now, it's just a memory; not an immediate reality to shy away from as quickly.
Instead of following that up with an explanation on how, he's getting up instead.]
[Kaneda finally succumbs to the idea that they're not going to be sleeping for awhile, swinging his legs around and under him so he's sitting on the bed, one elbow on his knee and propping his chin up in his hand.]
I'm sick of it, Kaneda! I'm not on that stuff anymore, I don't wanna be on this thing, either! I don't care if it hurts! [Yes he does. He hates being in pain.] I'm used to it! [That much is true.] I can still feel what it's doing even with this, it doesn't matter!
[Silence falls over him as he listens, letting Tetsuo get everything out before his face changes to something else entirely. Gone is the upbeat, playful sarcasm he had moments before, replaced with...
not pity...no, pity didn't look exactly like that. It's more...helplessness.
Why did Tetsuo choose the one thing he couldn't fix?]
It's a lot for a body to take--your powers, I mean.
[And what does Kaneda know about it? huh? But at least Kaneda's taking it seriously, and isn't looking down on him for it. That's.... something. Enough to take the bite out of his words, leaving it less a barb and more pure frustration.]
Yeah? You have no idea!
[And that's also true, though Tetsuo's not going to begin to try to explain it to him. Even if he wanted to, where the hell to begin?
He may have gotten used to it enough now, but can he really say that if he doesn't have the resonator to rely on? He'd like to say yes.]
But it's not like that's gonna change as long as I've got this on.
[And there it is. A mistake in his defensiveness. As long as he has it on - as if he COULD possibly do anything with it off.]
[It's true, he wouldn't know the first thing about dealing with that kind of pain--the kind that won't stop unless you force it down with painkillers. And even then, it's just a temporary salve to a burn.
The damage is still being done, isn't it?]
No idea at all....
[A soft admission, keeping quiet that he could imagine it from his screams alone. It's not the place for a comment like that.]
's not gonna change with it off, either.
Like I said, pain's pain.
[He brings up one knee towards his chest, resting his chin on it and watching Tetsuo. Right now, the boy's got the floor, and he's just the one giving feedback.]
[The worst part is, put that way, Tetsuo can't even way it's not. Even more to the point, it's late. He's tired, been sleeping less since that conversation out of worry and more pain following obsession, and just doesn't have the energy for a prolonged engagement.]
Because of me! That what you wanted to know?! I don't know what else it's doing to me -
[Breaking him down faster than he could heal, Kururu had said. Synonymous for all kinds of fun things.]
- but I'm done wearing reminders I can't seem to do anything about it! You satisfied now?!
[A part of it he gets. Just because you're numbing the pain doesn't mean damage isn't being done. And that's a huge worry. But what he doesn't get is that Tetsuo's got some kind of...mentality that he's not sure he likes.]
Then we'll find out! There's nothing you can do about it right now, Tetsuo! No matter how hard you try!
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For now, maybe.
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C'mon, you got any ideas? Cause right now, I've got nothing...I don't even know how this shit works...
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[Tetsuo sits up, twisting around to face the door.]
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It's not like you can just think away the pain. Believe me, I tried that in September.
Didn't work out.
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[It's like that. In a way, he's gotten a little cocky about this; it's not anywhere near as bad as it used to be, and he hasn't faced it as a never-ending horror in a long while. Not since January. However harsh the memory is now, it's just a memory; not an immediate reality to shy away from as quickly.
Instead of following that up with an explanation on how, he's getting up instead.]
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[Kaneda finally succumbs to the idea that they're not going to be sleeping for awhile, swinging his legs around and under him so he's sitting on the bed, one elbow on his knee and propping his chin up in his hand.]
So what IS it like. What makes it different?
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But he's not saying that. If he gets his way, he won't end up blurting it out later anyway. He paces a bit, meandering closer to Megalodon's tank.]
It just is.
[That's less of an answer and more of a standard attempt at deflection.]
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You're a bad liar, Tetsuo, especially to me. And 'It just is' isn't the full thing, is it?
[He leans back against the headboard of the bed, watching Tetsuo pace.]
Pain's pain. Ain't nothing gonna change that.
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not pity...no, pity didn't look exactly like that. It's more...helplessness.
Why did Tetsuo choose the one thing he couldn't fix?]
It's a lot for a body to take--your powers, I mean.
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Yeah? You have no idea!
[And that's also true, though Tetsuo's not going to begin to try to explain it to him. Even if he wanted to, where the hell to begin?
He may have gotten used to it enough now, but can he really say that if he doesn't have the resonator to rely on? He'd like to say yes.]
But it's not like that's gonna change as long as I've got this on.
[And there it is. A mistake in his defensiveness. As long as he has it on - as if he COULD possibly do anything with it off.]
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The damage is still being done, isn't it?]
No idea at all....
[A soft admission, keeping quiet that he could imagine it from his screams alone. It's not the place for a comment like that.]
's not gonna change with it off, either.
Like I said, pain's pain.
[He brings up one knee towards his chest, resting his chin on it and watching Tetsuo. Right now, the boy's got the floor, and he's just the one giving feedback.]
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[Understatement of the century. He cuts off, starts again.]
Look, I'm not gonna be wearing this for the rest of my life! It's not gonna happen!
[not 'the rest of his time here', like maybe that should have been.]
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How can you change it? I'm not--[the irony in this sentence.]--I'm not a mind reader, Tetsuo. You have to TELL me how this power works!
If there's a way we can stop the pain, we'll do it! But I've got nothing until you tell me!
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["I still have no fucking clue how this works and I've been studying it."]
I just know! [Wishful thinking.] It only hurts as bad as it does because I'm not good enough yet!
[....
....
He should have stopped talking a few seconds ago.]
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When Tetsuo decides to take that step first. The sentence sinks into his mind like a cement brick in quicksand, face dropping and eyes widening.]
Good enough...?
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[Okay, shock over.]
Good enough at WHAT?
[Not dying? Because they've both got pretty good track records for that!]
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[..his eyes leave Kaneda to flick to the door. He's halfway to it already...]
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[Are you sure you're not a mind reader, Kaneda, cause you called that one pretty easily.]
What did you mean 'good enough'. Out with it.
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[That's exactly why he's backing up a half step and clenching the hand with the resonator into a fist, pressed against his side.]
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You think I'm stupid?
[Don't answer that.]
You're in pain, Tetsuo! That's pretty important!
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Because of me! That what you wanted to know?! I don't know what else it's doing to me -
[Breaking him down faster than he could heal, Kururu had said. Synonymous for all kinds of fun things.]
- but I'm done wearing reminders I can't seem to do anything about it! You satisfied now?!
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[A part of it he gets. Just because you're numbing the pain doesn't mean damage isn't being done. And that's a huge worry. But what he doesn't get is that Tetsuo's got some kind of...mentality that he's not sure he likes.]
Then we'll find out! There's nothing you can do about it right now, Tetsuo! No matter how hard you try!
Pain. is. pain.
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